Hello, gentle reader, my name is Bert and I have a problem. At this point, I could of course fall back on the descriptions for “problems” that can be found in the usual glossy calendars, but that wouldn’t be authentic.
I’m just starting something new, something I’ve wanted to do for ages but haven’t done. But now, now I’m doing it.

I’ve noticed the following: My insecurities run deep. They’re so deep that I don’t even seem to notice when people are interested in what I’m doing. Or it often seems that I don’t believe them. If I have hardly any appreciation for my work myself and am not that interested in it, how am I supposed to notice when someone really does?
That’s one theory, the other is that the lack of appreciation when I was growing up made me realise that I now need all the more, and all the more clearly, appreciation in order to realise that what I do is appreciated. Word salad, sorry.

So here’s to everyone who is interested in what I do, apparently I don’t really realise it. I can remember many situations where people have suggested that I am interested in what I do in order to achieve a certain goal. Never unselfishly, never unconditionally. Maybe it’s also somewhere in my brain that I don’t realise. I’ve already realised in the last few articles that something is strange. A CT scan recently revealed that I have a lump on my meninges that is slowly growing into my brain. So as of today, I’m putting all the blame on this lump.

Now – if I’ve ever accused you of not caring about me, not noticing, or not doing things the right way, please forgive me. I’m sure you’re doing it right and I’m a bit incapable of appreciating it. Thank you for taking an interest in what I do, in me.

Now I’ll move on to something new, difficult and scary. I’m going to start my own business. I’m going to be an artist, probably quite penniless at first, who has no idea where she’s going to get her next pay cheque. I’m ruling out a full-time job on the side. I also feel a little bit that a part-time job that takes up too much time might stop me from throwing myself fully into self-employment. I’m afraid I can’t avoid using social media if I want to generate income somehow. I need to expand my portfolio. I have to go from “I don’t care if anyone actually cares what I do here” to “I should find out how I can do what people value”. At least that’s my first impression.

When I watch videos on the internet about being a freelance artist, it’s very often people from the USA. It seems to me that there is a completely different appreciation of “art” there. If you look at Germany, for example, often only those who have had a “proper education” are worth anything. How annoying can such a stupid value system be? I mean, I can go to art school for 4 years and what I produce is soulless rubbish. I can sit down, start drawing and “poof – magic”. Who evaluates what art is, how, when and where, should not be determined by rich people, but by people who feel addressed by art, who see a value beyond money. Art should be thought-provoking, for some it just has to be “beautiful”, whatever that means, but hey! That’s ok too. <3

So next point: start. Kofi maybe? Commenting daily, keeping up to date with what’s happening on this journey into self-employment? Be brave. Be independent. Rush in. Do it.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.