Since a few months, I know that I am “ill”.
Short break here:
Brief digression: I’m not sure if that’s the reason I haven’t posted anything for so long, maybe a little, but it’s certainly not the only reason. I’ve been a bit unhappy with the design and my blog theme for a while. I’d like to broaden the focus a bit more than “just posting creative stuff”. I would also like to write something from the soul, get a bit upset, be political, post something about the daily madness. maybe also write about mental health or illness. I would also like to write when I just think something is really good. Film reviews? About music? About my holiday? I don’t want to create a separate blog for every piece of shit.
So just out of fear of scaring someone off, so one of the 3 readers of my blog…. I guess I shouldn’t post anything else but just throw it out there or not?
Digression end.
Moving on:
My brain does not function “normally”. I am torn between: ignoring that something is there and not ignoring it, but finding a way to use my “disturbances” more consciously to generate something good on it.
As we all know, the meaning of “something good” is not exactly the same for everyone.
So I guess I’ll stick to my own perception.
Before I knew what I had, when I was at the beginning of my 20s, I had quite a difficult phase. I was quite self-destructive, others would say. In retrospect, I can say that no, I wasn’t. Puffing cigarettes, scratching around a bit, taking a drag on a vaporizer and occasionally excessive computer gaming is definitely not a path that leads to suicide.
What I did do, however, while I was puffing and carving away at myself: I painted, I drew, I was constantly busy expressing myself in the form of pictures and photographs. I lost myself in it and others pulled me out of it by telling me that you can’t live like that. I remember many moments when others were always saying that something was not possible this way or that way.
Now I know that I listened to others, acted according to others, because I never seriously learned how to do what I wanted. In part, I probably can’t do it at all. I have something like a gut feeling. If I only acted according to my gut, maybe it could backfire quite a bit? Now there’s this thing about “doing/deciding things with your heart” – well, my emotions are really crass. Nothing here with “a little bit here a little bit there” it’s more like “here, stand in front of this steel beam, I’m going to let go of it now”.
Brain…brain, no, it’s not really good either. When I think of all these chains of thoughts, theories that go round in circles and the never-ending nights that rob me of sleep while I try to convince myself that everything is alright.
Wouldn’t it be great if all these organs worked together? If they all functioned “normally”? Making decisions, building interpersonal relationships, maintaining, nurturing and cherishing interpersonal relationships, organising everyday life, working, loving.
I think that ship has sailed.

But one thing is for sure: I am capable of burning for something. So I will do it. I am creative, so I will use that.

So I have decided that now is the time to start using all my weird brain things to express myself the way I do. To stop constantly thinking about the consequences. Finally learn to act on my own without permanent consideration for other people I hardly know. Consideration for important people in my life and an appreciation for me and for them that we can be part of our lives.
I really don’t feel like just dropping out of this life. It can’t be that that’s all there is.

I will probably modify this blog a bit over time. Of course it’s nice to post all these “creative things”. Since I “suffer” from subtle narcissistic tendencies – I have the desire to be “seen”. So my environment came up with the idea that I should just slap everything into a blog and put it online. However, I don’t necessarily get “seen” that way and in the meantime I have slowly found back to my “fuck you attitude” which keeps me from being unhappy when nobody is seriously interested in my creative shit.

I love you all you fuckers <3