Berthe

Category: drawing (Page 1 of 4)

Hello – it’s me – a ‘crappy life wisdom calendar that doesn’t help anyone’ – but I look good and am finally drawing again. (No connection)

May 24 2024 / / 0 Comments

Now I’m sitting here, listening to Beth Gibbons belting out the most famous? lines from Mysterons into the mic, it’s just GOLD. Add a cigarette and a nod to the trip hop beat – I just love it. https://youtu.be/CtxA_MP-9oE?si=snLFclgC527jWQGF
Embedded in a playlist between Trisomy 21 and Echo & The Bunnymen, it complements the mood I need to finally be productive again.

A little update: I’ve been on methylphenidate for a few days now (4..)- still on a low dose in the first test phase, I’m noticing the first phases that just irritate me:

So this isn’t what it’s like to randomly have erratic and never-ending thought vomit in your head for hours a day? So that’s what it’s like when not every paper crackle forces you to the edge of your nerves? So that’s what it’s like when you’re not first defiant, then annoyed, then sad and then motivated again, not motivated, chaotic and then unfocussed again?
The realisation that self-reflection is important and necessary but the thought, much more the knowledge ‘I can’t change this anyway no matter how hard I try’ – is just depressing and demoralising – and now there suddenly seems to be the possibility that development, i.e. real development, is actually possible brainexplosionmeme
After several frustrating years, months, days – finally a feeling of ‘I can really change it’.
And then it starts. Not just a ‘I’m going to fuck off and do my shit’ – but really ‘I’m going to do this’. Not just ‘I know I can’t do it’ – but ‘I can actually do it, make it, try it’.
That’s what self-motivation feels like. So that’s not what 24/7 masking is like. Lol Masking is also a joke somewhere when I don’t really have anything under control anyway 😀 Life.

Next challenge: after I’ve slowly realised what mistakes, shit and difficult situations I’ve partly caused. Learn from them, change, implement them differently, don’t lose myself, forget or lie to myself. Rekindle self-love and self-worth and relearn. Maybe this is finally a better basis for it. At least the motivation is there now laughs. I don’t want to relativise shitty shit with AuADHD here. I don’t live by the belief ‘I’m neurodiverse and therefore allowed to be an arsehole.’

I’m sure there will be people who find it difficult to see me differently from what they have adjusted to and become accustomed to. That’s probably the case. It’s also something I have to learn to live with, it’s very tiring and draining to keep trying to convince people of myself. I’m just tired. I need to get my arse against the wall and do my thing. Self-love, no panting for love from others because I’ve never learnt to love myself. No exaggerated empathy towards people from whom I long for ‘a feeling’ that I can’t give myself. So far so good – the arse is moving further and further towards the wall and I’m going to England next week.

Lol Short update. I guess that’s how it is when you want to tell more than anyone wants to read. After all, I’m doing this out of my own motivation and not because I want to generate fans, but I’m also not really angry if someone leaves something on Kofi. <3 love you.

Now to the actual highlight:

As recently reported, I’ve started a series of postcards.
Theme: ‘Space on drugs’
There will be 6-10 cards and three are already available. I will offer them for sale in a shop. All handmade, analogue and honest.

The landscape is supposed to represent the mountains on a distant planet. There are mountains with angular small composite parts on the right and left. the rocks can be seen half from above, they are depicted with wavy edge shapes. in the lower half of the picture, an ‘earth gap’ runs through the picture in which wavy rock edges can be seen again. The lower right and left halves of the picture could be interpreted as a desert with little vegetation. A huge planet with large eyes looks over a ‘mountain landscape’ with wavy edges and above and behind it it drips out of the universe. Stars can be recognised in between. At the bottom right is a kind of ‘cell planet with three “pollen”’. A winged ‘capsule planet’ with two hands on the joystick floats in the universe. Stars and planets can be seen around it, some of which are winged.
Died on the way to the Crystal Mountains look mother, the sun is rising space patrol at work

They’re all planned in lineart/fineart so far, but I’ve produced one of them in ‘colour’ as a test.

The landscape is supposed to represent the mountains on a distant planet. There are mountains with angular small composite parts on the right and left. the rocks can be seen half from above, they are depicted with wavy edge shapes. in the lower half of the picture, an ‘earth gap’ runs through the picture in which wavy rock edges can be seen again. The lower right and left halves of the picture could be interpreted as a desert with little vegetation.
Died on the way to the Crystal Mountains

Have a good time and stay safe.

<3

It’s the witching hour and I’m waiting for sleep

May 15 2024 / / 0 Comments

I like to say that I’m not doing particularly well at the moment. I’ve just had a guest, which was good. Now the guest is gone again and I’m trying to distract myself by drawing. I feel alone. I’m lacking social contacts and I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I’ve been thinking a lot more than usual for a few weeks now. For the last week I’ve been a mixture of angry, sad and unhappy.
The pressure to earn money hasn’t really gone away either – at least I’ve completed my first order and am finally producing stuff for my shop again.
I’m annoyed with my printer, this piece of crap from hell and the unavailability of exactly the materials I need right now is also stressing me out.
So far so good, at least I produced a few test stickers today that came out of the crap printer much too small.
Sleep well you guys out there.

urved lines reminiscent of rocks floating in the air and hints of mountains to the right and left - in colour. Stickers.
bunch of stickers
snippet of a b/w lineart/fineart with curved lines reminiscent of rocks floating in the air and hints of mountains to the right and left
fine art snippet of first postcard for 2024

Who is afraid of road movies? Something similar to a film review? well, not really.

July 25 2023 / / 0 Comments

I wasn’t feeling so well a few days ago, I had quite a wanderlust and just wanted to get away. So I sat down and tried to depict it somehow, and somehow only this one film came to mind. So I tried to put the two main characters on the page. I thought of the film poster and a scene on the train. However, it didn’t work out well, just off the top of my head, and I was quite dissatisfied. I don’t have an A3 scanner either and the thing that bothers me the most is that Ljoha actually has something like a buzzcut on and to me it looks like something out of a 50s cigarette commercial. So I’ll just post the idea – a clip and write this text here:

Plagued by wanderlust, I am incredibly receptive to such films. But not the ones where a few white men in their late 30s and early 40s drive through the desert and take a lot of drugs.

But rather the ones that aim for a very down-to-earth mood. Something you can compare yourself to and maybe think, “Yeah, I know that one”.
A film that is very relatable for me is Compartment No. 6.
In some articles they say it’s a drama, in others it’s a dramatic road movie. I wonder where the drama is here. In German, the word drama has a very different connotation than in English.

The timing of the film’s release was difficult. It premiered at the Cannes Film Festival in July 2021, but was only released in German-speaking cinemas in March 2022. Conceivably unfavourable for a film that takes place half in Russian, where this giant dick Putin is about to destroy an entire country.

The countries of production are Finland, Estonia, Germany and Russia. The languages of the film are Finnish and Russian.
I can only recommend watching this film in its original language. I briefly heard the German sync in a trailer and in my opinion it just sucks.
The female lead is played by Seidi Haarla (Laura in the film), she is just adorable. The male lead is played by Yuri Borisov, I don’t know that much about him, who knows many important or real things about actresses? After all, they are only human. But what I can say is that the few Russians I know are incredibly similar to this Yuri – Ljoha in the film.

The film takes place in the years when the Soviet Union is disintegrating, I existed at that time too, but I was much younger than Laura in the film. But that’s a point of reference for me. Well, Laura comes to Moscow and hangs out in this flat-sharing community where there are always these really cool intellectual parties and stuff. She’s quite in love with Irina, or at least that’s what she thinks. Laura is studying archaeology in Finland and she actually wants to go with Irina to see these petroglyphs in Kanosero. They are ancient rock paintings. But nope – that’s not going to happen. I don’t want to spoil too much, that’s not really the point.
Laura goes off on her own to this remote area, because rock paintings are somehow always in such remote areas.
She then travels on a train that is super crammed with people, but she has a compartment – with the “disadvantage”? that she has to share it with Ljoha. Such a cliché to the power of 10.
It’s all a mixture of various unpleasant but understandable situations – along the lines of – it could happen to you at some point in your life.
She wants to change her job in St. Petersburg, but Irina somehow doesn’t get it on the phone.
So she continues on her way. It is not possible to change compartments, so she is stuck with Ljoha again. Slowly they become friends in a strange way.

And from then on I go along. From here on, my heart is somehow in it. And that’s not a romance or anything. Actually, it’s all pretty unlikely and hopeless from the start. Ljoha is on his way to work, he is a mountain farmer and Laura is a student who wants to see something he has never heard of before. He’s a pretty simple guy and she seems to be checking out what she wants first during the whole journey. Both of them go through a development while they sleep away the morning drunk on a Russian granny’s bench or steal cars.

There is also this moment when a Finn gets on board and Laura then trusts the compatriot almost immediately. That backfires, proving once again that this is nonsense.

When they arrive at the train’s destination, they go their separate ways. Then Laura also learns that she can’t visit these rock paintings in winter. And then it gets romantic – but I won’t say anything about that, just watch the film. Really.

Voyage Voyage by Desireless is played over and over again the whole bloody time. https://youtu.be/NlgmH5q9uNk My goodness, and really loud in the cinema. That was pretty impressive and just good.

I would super love to read the book, unfortunately there’s only the Finnish version on google books or something. The translation is out of print, in English and in German. It’s almost like Chimo’s “says Lila”.

Voyage Voyage
Voyage Voyage

You can see a portrait. It shows Ljoha from compartment no. 6. The right side of the head has a lot of shadow. There are many different colours. It looks a bit like a 50s advertisement, with a wave of hairdryer and a mischievous smile. It is mostly done with watercolours and black ink.
You can see part of a portrait. It shows Ljoha from compartment no. 6. The right side of the head has a lot of shadow. There are many different colours. It looks a bit like a 50s advertisement, with hairdryer waves and a mischievous smile. It is mostly done with watercolours and black ink. You can also see a smaller part of a portrait of Laura from the same film. It is the same drawing style, but only her mouth, chin and nose are visible.

Voyage Voyage …

VOYAGE VOYAGE …

Voyage voyage
Plus loin que la nuit et le jour (voyage, voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
Dans l’espace inouï de l’amour
Voyage voyage
Sur l’eau sacrée d’un fleuve indien (voyage, voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
Et jamais ne reviens

Therapeutic doodles

July 24 2023 / / 0 Comments

Lately (by that, I guess I mean the last few weeks), I’ve been hanging out in a hackspace more often. There are often a lot of people there and most of them don’t know me well and I don’t know them either. At some point it gets too much for me – sometimes – and I start to slip into dissociative states. I try to avoid that and expose myself to the flooding or this “the memory is full”. I try to force myself a little bit. One possibility for me is to redirect. Redirecting to something haptic or to music, or to both.
So I’ve been making scribbles again for a few weeks. Sometimes with a plan behind it, sometimes I watch myself drawing or scribbling. Maybe the latter is a bit dissociative, but so what?
Attached are a few doodles, some of them are not finished yet, but I’m not sure if I’ll pursue them further.
I gave one away, maybe I’ll ask if I can post it, it’s not mine anymore.

you can see a black lineart scribble that shows a face. it seems that the face is growing out on flowerpieces
Flowers
you can see a black lineart that shows a hand. its not finished
hand – not finished yet

shortly in between because it is 1 May

May 1 2022 / / 0 Comments
illustrated pages with the text 1 maj

Every month I write the days of the week and the month in a different language in my journal. This month I also wrote the heading for recording my period in a different language. Dni krwawienia is Polish and should roughly mean “bleeding days – in my opinion it means also: days of horror/pain.”

Co miesiąc zapisuję w swoim dzienniku dni tygodnia i miesiąca w innym języku. W tym miesiącu napisałem też rubrykę dotyczącą zapisywania mojego okresu w innym języku. Dni krwawienia to po polsku “dni grozy/boleści”.

Forgive me, I have not forgotten you

April 26 2022 / / 0 Comments

Hello! I know I know, I haven’t posted anything for a while. In my defence I have to say, first I was ill so I couldn’t post anything. And after that I just didn’t really get around to it. I’ve been thinking a lot about always choosing one theme or “sort” of creativity per week. I think that daily posting might be a little easier for me that way. In order to start again, I will post the missing days afterwards and only continue with the current day when I have made up for the missing ones.
Please forgive me and feel embraced.

feeling Dawn today

March 22 2022 / / 0 Comments
portrait of "Dawn Wiener" in "welcome to the dollhouse"
Dawn hates her mom

who doesn’t know that? Feeling misunderstood, somehow not fitting in properly or it doesn’t just feel like everyone is against you? I have that a bit sometimes, age helps a bit but sometimes I also feel like I’ve been transported back in time.

This is a fanart of Dawn Wiener hating her mother at the dinner table 🙂

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