Berthe

Category: ADHD

Travelling to “faraway” places and to “myself” <3

May 28 2024 / / 0 Comments

I recently had a visit from a kind person. This person is honest and direct and told me after a few days that it bothered him that I tend to say negative things – as if I only notice them.
It hit me a bit and thanks to my now partly drug-influenced brain, he and I were able to deal with it instead of being directly afraid that I’d just been rejected. We talked about it, I dealt with it and from then on I talked about all the positive things I had noticed that day. I later showed him notes about a week where I endeavoured to write down positive things that happened to me every day, things that stood out to me, and so on. However, I also realised that this kept slipping under my radar and I couldn’t keep it up for long. The last year was already very negative and I couldn’t seem to get out of these spirals. Thanks to this person who told me so directly and also explained what was actually meant. And not with any big “pseudo” psychological talk behind it. We are all not professionals 😉 – maybe some of you are, but that’s not the point 😛

Now I’m writing this publicly here: I’m doing well! I’m making progress, I’m daring to do something.

This week I’m going to a camp – alone. I’m going to manage without one person being there for me 24/7. I have left 2 university courses so that I can do others safely (adult or something). I’ve managed to cut, print, colour and draw lots of postcards over the last few days. It’s now an 8 line “space / landscape” series and they come 7/8 in but in very colourful. They remind me a bit of 80s and trash – I love them. You could say I’m a bit proud of myself.
I’m finding my self-worth again. I also believe that I can “create” this art stuff.
I feel more comfortable in my own body again and I have renewed motivation for sport, art and further development. \o/ all in all: I am doing great!

If a manager (best wishes to p. <3) makes it (no pressure) there will be a ko-fi shop and a gallery on my homepage just in time for the camp. There’s a QR code and my website on the back of the card. Quasi advertising in self-production. I’ll write a separate article about the workaround.

I would like to conclude this short report with: https://youtu.be/YpIMF_NXjTs?si=_nHf6VgP3ZwKKyt6 (Björn Peng – Zucker)

Hello – it’s me – a ‘crappy life wisdom calendar that doesn’t help anyone’ – but I look good and am finally drawing again. (No connection)

May 24 2024 / / 0 Comments

Now I’m sitting here, listening to Beth Gibbons belting out the most famous? lines from Mysterons into the mic, it’s just GOLD. Add a cigarette and a nod to the trip hop beat – I just love it. https://youtu.be/CtxA_MP-9oE?si=snLFclgC527jWQGF
Embedded in a playlist between Trisomy 21 and Echo & The Bunnymen, it complements the mood I need to finally be productive again.

A little update: I’ve been on methylphenidate for a few days now (4..)- still on a low dose in the first test phase, I’m noticing the first phases that just irritate me:

So this isn’t what it’s like to randomly have erratic and never-ending thought vomit in your head for hours a day? So that’s what it’s like when not every paper crackle forces you to the edge of your nerves? So that’s what it’s like when you’re not first defiant, then annoyed, then sad and then motivated again, not motivated, chaotic and then unfocussed again?
The realisation that self-reflection is important and necessary but the thought, much more the knowledge ‘I can’t change this anyway no matter how hard I try’ – is just depressing and demoralising – and now there suddenly seems to be the possibility that development, i.e. real development, is actually possible brainexplosionmeme
After several frustrating years, months, days – finally a feeling of ‘I can really change it’.
And then it starts. Not just a ‘I’m going to fuck off and do my shit’ – but really ‘I’m going to do this’. Not just ‘I know I can’t do it’ – but ‘I can actually do it, make it, try it’.
That’s what self-motivation feels like. So that’s not what 24/7 masking is like. Lol Masking is also a joke somewhere when I don’t really have anything under control anyway 😀 Life.

Next challenge: after I’ve slowly realised what mistakes, shit and difficult situations I’ve partly caused. Learn from them, change, implement them differently, don’t lose myself, forget or lie to myself. Rekindle self-love and self-worth and relearn. Maybe this is finally a better basis for it. At least the motivation is there now laughs. I don’t want to relativise shitty shit with AuADHD here. I don’t live by the belief ‘I’m neurodiverse and therefore allowed to be an arsehole.’

I’m sure there will be people who find it difficult to see me differently from what they have adjusted to and become accustomed to. That’s probably the case. It’s also something I have to learn to live with, it’s very tiring and draining to keep trying to convince people of myself. I’m just tired. I need to get my arse against the wall and do my thing. Self-love, no panting for love from others because I’ve never learnt to love myself. No exaggerated empathy towards people from whom I long for ‘a feeling’ that I can’t give myself. So far so good – the arse is moving further and further towards the wall and I’m going to England next week.

Lol Short update. I guess that’s how it is when you want to tell more than anyone wants to read. After all, I’m doing this out of my own motivation and not because I want to generate fans, but I’m also not really angry if someone leaves something on Kofi. <3 love you.

Now to the actual highlight:

As recently reported, I’ve started a series of postcards.
Theme: ‘Space on drugs’
There will be 6-10 cards and three are already available. I will offer them for sale in a shop. All handmade, analogue and honest.

The landscape is supposed to represent the mountains on a distant planet. There are mountains with angular small composite parts on the right and left. the rocks can be seen half from above, they are depicted with wavy edge shapes. in the lower half of the picture, an ‘earth gap’ runs through the picture in which wavy rock edges can be seen again. The lower right and left halves of the picture could be interpreted as a desert with little vegetation. A huge planet with large eyes looks over a ‘mountain landscape’ with wavy edges and above and behind it it drips out of the universe. Stars can be recognised in between. At the bottom right is a kind of ‘cell planet with three “pollen”’. A winged ‘capsule planet’ with two hands on the joystick floats in the universe. Stars and planets can be seen around it, some of which are winged.
Died on the way to the Crystal Mountains look mother, the sun is rising space patrol at work

They’re all planned in lineart/fineart so far, but I’ve produced one of them in ‘colour’ as a test.

The landscape is supposed to represent the mountains on a distant planet. There are mountains with angular small composite parts on the right and left. the rocks can be seen half from above, they are depicted with wavy edge shapes. in the lower half of the picture, an ‘earth gap’ runs through the picture in which wavy rock edges can be seen again. The lower right and left halves of the picture could be interpreted as a desert with little vegetation.
Died on the way to the Crystal Mountains

Have a good time and stay safe.

<3

Let me bring myself up to date.

February 15 2024 / / 0 Comments

What has actually happened in the last few weeks? One word that runs back and forth in my head is: blockade.
I’m still stuck in my job, I’ve been on sick leave for weeks, is it any wonder I was able to work at all without ADHD medication? According to my doctor, yes, but what can I say? I’ve somehow managed to function over the last few years.
I think that’s a terrible word in this context. “Functioning” in capitalism. Functioning under capitalist constraints, or the necessity to live from something? That’s another one of those phrases “you have to live on something” – as if living is only defined by money. Ah, wait a minute. There was something.

Now I’m waiting for my contract to end so that there’s room in my head for a new beginning. But at least I’m already working on it a bit. Most of the work is currently going into an event we’re planning for the summer. I’m doing the design and when the time comes, I’ll maybe set up a page here where I’ll present all the stuff.

I’m trying to let more people participate in my life again. To let them “into my life”, so to speak. It’s not that easy. I’m quite worried that there will be conflicts or that I’m “too much”. I’m working on minimizing that. I don’t think a “kiss my ass” attitude is the ideal way, but maybe a few percent to minimize the anxiety?`
In any case, I dared to go on stage (even though I didn’t say anything – I shouldn’t have watched the video eye roll), I went to a social event without really knowing anyone there, I communicated with people in a dialect I didn’t really know and – here it comes – I actually managed to be alone in my studio for more than a week without freaking out because the ceiling was falling on my head. Well, a bit, but only because I had the snotty plague.

Guys, I think things are slowly starting to look up again. It’s not “running up that hill” but more like “I’m slowly walking up a hill – backwards” but whatever. (crazy how humorous I am, isn’t it? In case you missed that “yes I listen to music from the 80s” joke)

What I came across the last two days is “DaDa” I kind of rediscovered it for myself and I’m definitely going to stick with it for a little while. I don’t know how I’m going to visualize it yet, but I’ve started writing poetry again. In German, though. German gives me the opportunity to be more confident with wordplay and hyphenation. Even if German seems cumbersome to many, the language gives me endless possibilities to be creative with it. The rule-breaking in the German language takes it to another level.

My last “poetry” is a romantic one. A rather kitschy one in my eyes and I’m going to write it here under my text (but in German). Well, I think I’ll write it in English too so that I can see that it really doesn’t work 😀

I’m too tired for anything else right now, but I’ll be further away soon, traveling a bit through clouds. I’ll bring back some drawings and maybe an update or two. Or rather the one or other fresh thought and regained motivation.

A romance

Welcome to the realm of sensuality,
we are all there from our senses – a
go with me, don’t go with me
go here, with me there.
When the sun goes down, the winter,
time ends, the world ends too.
We remain.
Particle.

Eine Romanze

Will-kommen im Reich der Sinn-haftigkeit,
sind wir alle von Sinnen dort – ein Ver-
unvernungfts-Be-Geh-ren, geh mit geh nicht
geh hier, mit mir dort.
Geht auch die Sonne, der Winter,
die Zeit unter, geht auch die Welt.
Wir bleiben.
Partikel.

About new challenges and old lessons learnt

January 9 2024 / / 0 Comments

Hello, gentle reader, my name is Bert and I have a problem. At this point, I could of course fall back on the descriptions for “problems” that can be found in the usual glossy calendars, but that wouldn’t be authentic.
I’m just starting something new, something I’ve wanted to do for ages but haven’t done. But now, now I’m doing it.

I’ve noticed the following: My insecurities run deep. They’re so deep that I don’t even seem to notice when people are interested in what I’m doing. Or it often seems that I don’t believe them. If I have hardly any appreciation for my work myself and am not that interested in it, how am I supposed to notice when someone really does?
That’s one theory, the other is that the lack of appreciation when I was growing up made me realise that I now need all the more, and all the more clearly, appreciation in order to realise that what I do is appreciated. Word salad, sorry.

So here’s to everyone who is interested in what I do, apparently I don’t really realise it. I can remember many situations where people have suggested that I am interested in what I do in order to achieve a certain goal. Never unselfishly, never unconditionally. Maybe it’s also somewhere in my brain that I don’t realise. I’ve already realised in the last few articles that something is strange. A CT scan recently revealed that I have a lump on my meninges that is slowly growing into my brain. So as of today, I’m putting all the blame on this lump.

Now – if I’ve ever accused you of not caring about me, not noticing, or not doing things the right way, please forgive me. I’m sure you’re doing it right and I’m a bit incapable of appreciating it. Thank you for taking an interest in what I do, in me.

Now I’ll move on to something new, difficult and scary. I’m going to start my own business. I’m going to be an artist, probably quite penniless at first, who has no idea where she’s going to get her next pay cheque. I’m ruling out a full-time job on the side. I also feel a little bit that a part-time job that takes up too much time might stop me from throwing myself fully into self-employment. I’m afraid I can’t avoid using social media if I want to generate income somehow. I need to expand my portfolio. I have to go from “I don’t care if anyone actually cares what I do here” to “I should find out how I can do what people value”. At least that’s my first impression.

When I watch videos on the internet about being a freelance artist, it’s very often people from the USA. It seems to me that there is a completely different appreciation of “art” there. If you look at Germany, for example, often only those who have had a “proper education” are worth anything. How annoying can such a stupid value system be? I mean, I can go to art school for 4 years and what I produce is soulless rubbish. I can sit down, start drawing and “poof – magic”. Who evaluates what art is, how, when and where, should not be determined by rich people, but by people who feel addressed by art, who see a value beyond money. Art should be thought-provoking, for some it just has to be “beautiful”, whatever that means, but hey! That’s ok too. <3

So next point: start. Kofi maybe? Commenting daily, keeping up to date with what’s happening on this journey into self-employment? Be brave. Be independent. Rush in. Do it.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

© 2024 Berthe

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