I recently had a visit from a kind person. This person is honest and direct and told me after a few days that it bothered him that I tend to say negative things – as if I only notice them. It hit me a bit and thanks to my now partly drug-influenced brain, he and I were able to deal with it instead of being directly afraid that I’d just been rejected. We talked about it, I dealt with it and from then on I talked about all the positive things I had noticed that day. I later showed him notes about a week where I endeavoured to write down positive things that happened to me every day, things that stood out to me, and so on. However, I also realised that this kept slipping under my radar and I couldn’t keep it up for long. The last year was already very negative and I couldn’t seem to get out of these spirals. Thanks to this person who told me so directly and also explained what was actually meant. And not with any big “pseudo” psychological talk behind it. We are all not professionals 😉 – maybe some of you are, but that’s not the point 😛
Now I’m writing this publicly here: I’m doing well! I’m making progress, I’m daring to do something.
This week I’m going to a camp – alone. I’m going to manage without one person being there for me 24/7. I have left 2 university courses so that I can do others safely (adult or something). I’ve managed to cut, print, colour and draw lots of postcards over the last few days. It’s now an 8 line “space / landscape” series and they come 7/8 in but in very colourful. They remind me a bit of 80s and trash – I love them. You could say I’m a bit proud of myself. I’m finding my self-worth again. I also believe that I can “create” this art stuff. I feel more comfortable in my own body again and I have renewed motivation for sport, art and further development. \o/ all in all: I am doing great!
If a manager (best wishes to p. <3) makes it (no pressure) there will be a ko-fi shop and a gallery on my homepage just in time for the camp. There’s a QR code and my website on the back of the card. Quasi advertising in self-production. I’ll write a separate article about the workaround.
Now I’m sitting here, listening to Beth Gibbons belting out the most famous? lines from Mysterons into the mic, it’s just GOLD. Add a cigarette and a nod to the trip hop beat – I just love it. https://youtu.be/CtxA_MP-9oE?si=snLFclgC527jWQGF Embedded in a playlist between Trisomy 21 and Echo & The Bunnymen, it complements the mood I need to finally be productive again.
A little update: I’ve been on methylphenidate for a few days now (4..)- still on a low dose in the first test phase, I’m noticing the first phases that just irritate me:
So this isn’t what it’s like to randomly have erratic and never-ending thought vomit in your head for hours a day? So that’s what it’s like when not every paper crackle forces you to the edge of your nerves? So that’s what it’s like when you’re not first defiant, then annoyed, then sad and then motivated again, not motivated, chaotic and then unfocussed again? The realisation that self-reflection is important and necessary but the thought, much more the knowledge ‘I can’t change this anyway no matter how hard I try’ – is just depressing and demoralising – and now there suddenly seems to be the possibility that development, i.e. real development, is actually possible brainexplosionmeme After several frustrating years, months, days – finally a feeling of ‘I can really change it’. And then it starts. Not just a ‘I’m going to fuck off and do my shit’ – but really ‘I’m going to do this’. Not just ‘I know I can’t do it’ – but ‘I can actually do it, make it, try it’. That’s what self-motivation feels like. So that’s not what 24/7 masking is like. Lol Masking is also a joke somewhere when I don’t really have anything under control anyway 😀 Life.
Next challenge: after I’ve slowly realised what mistakes, shit and difficult situations I’ve partly caused. Learn from them, change, implement them differently, don’t lose myself, forget or lie to myself. Rekindle self-love and self-worth and relearn. Maybe this is finally a better basis for it. At least the motivation is there now laughs. I don’t want to relativise shitty shit with AuADHD here. I don’t live by the belief ‘I’m neurodiverse and therefore allowed to be an arsehole.’
I’m sure there will be people who find it difficult to see me differently from what they have adjusted to and become accustomed to. That’s probably the case. It’s also something I have to learn to live with, it’s very tiring and draining to keep trying to convince people of myself. I’m just tired. I need to get my arse against the wall and do my thing. Self-love, no panting for love from others because I’ve never learnt to love myself. No exaggerated empathy towards people from whom I long for ‘a feeling’ that I can’t give myself. So far so good – the arse is moving further and further towards the wall and I’m going to England next week.
Lol Short update. I guess that’s how it is when you want to tell more than anyone wants to read. After all, I’m doing this out of my own motivation and not because I want to generate fans, but I’m also not really angry if someone leaves something on Kofi. <3 love you.
Now to the actual highlight:
As recently reported, I’ve started a series of postcards. Theme: ‘Space on drugs’ There will be 6-10 cards and three are already available. I will offer them for sale in a shop. All handmade, analogue and honest.
Died on the way to the Crystal Mountains
look mother, the sun is rising
space patrol at work
They’re all planned in lineart/fineart so far, but I’ve produced one of them in ‘colour’ as a test.
I like to say that I’m not doing particularly well at the moment. I’ve just had a guest, which was good. Now the guest is gone again and I’m trying to distract myself by drawing. I feel alone. I’m lacking social contacts and I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I’ve been thinking a lot more than usual for a few weeks now. For the last week I’ve been a mixture of angry, sad and unhappy. The pressure to earn money hasn’t really gone away either – at least I’ve completed my first order and am finally producing stuff for my shop again. I’m annoyed with my printer, this piece of crap from hell and the unavailability of exactly the materials I need right now is also stressing me out. So far so good, at least I produced a few test stickers today that came out of the crap printer much too small. Sleep well you guys out there.
bunch of stickersfine art snippet of first postcard for 2024
As of this week, I am studying again, I have decided to do a Master’s programme. I handed in my second homework assignment today – close, but I did it. In between, I “had” to procrastinate to build up some dopamine. At least that was the idea behind my “digital failure”, which I would like to present below.
I made a stablediffusion effort to create a few pictures for myself. I’m obviously a really shitty protengeneer. Or a really creative one, I guess that’s a matter of opinion.
In any case, what I got out of it was fun. I would like to share this with you.
All pictures are created in “baroque style”. Each promt contains one or two fruits, a long-haired dude who should look super hot and a place to sit. Sometimes he should flirt, sometimes he should eat.
My conclusion: Okay, obviously it’s always the same dude, hello? Diversity? He usually has an open shirt, is a bit cross-eyed and almost always has “special hands”. What I find exciting, however, is that EVERY TIME, the clothes are colour-coordinated with the fruit, even though that wasn’t the content of the promotion.
Carrot-dudeOrange-banane dude, flirtyMelon-dude – to much clothes – dreamyDragonfruit-dude with a dragonfruit tootbrush, uhhhhBeetrootdude – serious!lost the prompt dude .. with strawberries! – and an “strawberryapple” o.oPickle-dude, serious and reliablelicktheplumguy– eat I ment eat.
What has actually happened in the last few weeks? One word that runs back and forth in my head is: blockade. I’m still stuck in my job, I’ve been on sick leave for weeks, is it any wonder I was able to work at all without ADHD medication? According to my doctor, yes, but what can I say? I’ve somehow managed to function over the last few years. I think that’s a terrible word in this context. “Functioning” in capitalism. Functioning under capitalist constraints, or the necessity to live from something? That’s another one of those phrases “you have to live on something” – as if living is only defined by money. Ah, wait a minute. There was something.
Now I’m waiting for my contract to end so that there’s room in my head for a new beginning. But at least I’m already working on it a bit. Most of the work is currently going into an event we’re planning for the summer. I’m doing the design and when the time comes, I’ll maybe set up a page here where I’ll present all the stuff.
I’m trying to let more people participate in my life again. To let them “into my life”, so to speak. It’s not that easy. I’m quite worried that there will be conflicts or that I’m “too much”. I’m working on minimizing that. I don’t think a “kiss my ass” attitude is the ideal way, but maybe a few percent to minimize the anxiety?` In any case, I dared to go on stage (even though I didn’t say anything – I shouldn’t have watched the video eye roll), I went to a social event without really knowing anyone there, I communicated with people in a dialect I didn’t really know and – here it comes – I actually managed to be alone in my studio for more than a week without freaking out because the ceiling was falling on my head. Well, a bit, but only because I had the snotty plague.
Guys, I think things are slowly starting to look up again. It’s not “running up that hill” but more like “I’m slowly walking up a hill – backwards” but whatever. (crazy how humorous I am, isn’t it? In case you missed that “yes I listen to music from the 80s” joke)
What I came across the last two days is “DaDa” I kind of rediscovered it for myself and I’m definitely going to stick with it for a little while. I don’t know how I’m going to visualize it yet, but I’ve started writing poetry again. In German, though. German gives me the opportunity to be more confident with wordplay and hyphenation. Even if German seems cumbersome to many, the language gives me endless possibilities to be creative with it. The rule-breaking in the German language takes it to another level.
My last “poetry” is a romantic one. A rather kitschy one in my eyes and I’m going to write it here under my text (but in German). Well, I think I’ll write it in English too so that I can see that it really doesn’t work 😀
I’m too tired for anything else right now, but I’ll be further away soon, traveling a bit through clouds. I’ll bring back some drawings and maybe an update or two. Or rather the one or other fresh thought and regained motivation.
A romance
Welcome to the realm of sensuality, we are all there from our senses – a go with me, don’t go with me go here, with me there. When the sun goes down, the winter, time ends, the world ends too. We remain. Particle.
Eine Romanze
Will-kommen im Reich der Sinn-haftigkeit, sind wir alle von Sinnen dort – ein Ver- unvernungfts-Be-Geh-ren, geh mit geh nicht geh hier, mit mir dort. Geht auch die Sonne, der Winter, die Zeit unter, geht auch die Welt. Wir bleiben. Partikel.
Hello, gentle reader, my name is Bert and I have a problem. At this point, I could of course fall back on the descriptions for “problems” that can be found in the usual glossy calendars, but that wouldn’t be authentic. I’m just starting something new, something I’ve wanted to do for ages but haven’t done. But now, now I’m doing it.
I’ve noticed the following: My insecurities run deep. They’re so deep that I don’t even seem to notice when people are interested in what I’m doing. Or it often seems that I don’t believe them. If I have hardly any appreciation for my work myself and am not that interested in it, how am I supposed to notice when someone really does? That’s one theory, the other is that the lack of appreciation when I was growing up made me realise that I now need all the more, and all the more clearly, appreciation in order to realise that what I do is appreciated. Word salad, sorry.
So here’s to everyone who is interested in what I do, apparently I don’t really realise it. I can remember many situations where people have suggested that I am interested in what I do in order to achieve a certain goal. Never unselfishly, never unconditionally. Maybe it’s also somewhere in my brain that I don’t realise. I’ve already realised in the last few articles that something is strange. A CT scan recently revealed that I have a lump on my meninges that is slowly growing into my brain. So as of today, I’m putting all the blame on this lump.
Now – if I’ve ever accused you of not caring about me, not noticing, or not doing things the right way, please forgive me. I’m sure you’re doing it right and I’m a bit incapable of appreciating it. Thank you for taking an interest in what I do, in me.
Now I’ll move on to something new, difficult and scary. I’m going to start my own business. I’m going to be an artist, probably quite penniless at first, who has no idea where she’s going to get her next pay cheque. I’m ruling out a full-time job on the side. I also feel a little bit that a part-time job that takes up too much time might stop me from throwing myself fully into self-employment. I’m afraid I can’t avoid using social media if I want to generate income somehow. I need to expand my portfolio. I have to go from “I don’t care if anyone actually cares what I do here” to “I should find out how I can do what people value”. At least that’s my first impression.
When I watch videos on the internet about being a freelance artist, it’s very often people from the USA. It seems to me that there is a completely different appreciation of “art” there. If you look at Germany, for example, often only those who have had a “proper education” are worth anything. How annoying can such a stupid value system be? I mean, I can go to art school for 4 years and what I produce is soulless rubbish. I can sit down, start drawing and “poof – magic”. Who evaluates what art is, how, when and where, should not be determined by rich people, but by people who feel addressed by art, who see a value beyond money. Art should be thought-provoking, for some it just has to be “beautiful”, whatever that means, but hey! That’s ok too. <3
So next point: start. Kofi maybe? Commenting daily, keeping up to date with what’s happening on this journey into self-employment? Be brave. Be independent. Rush in. Do it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Let me say in advance: I am writing exclusively from my own perspective. As a rule, I do not link to any articles, research or the like. These are purely assessments and experience reports. Personal shit. Maybe someone can relate to it – maybe not.
I think I learnt that in the 90s – in Germany – it wasn’t exactly the trend to get children interested in IT. Especially not girls. I did get the impression that there were attempts to encourage girls to learn “higher professions”, but this usually meant something like being a vet or a German teacher. There was also no proper infrastructure in the field of IT – not even in other technical areas. Natural sciences in general were rather “meh”.
We had one year of biology, one year of physics and one year of chemistry. Did we do experiments in physics? No. Did we ever see in biology (even if only pictorially) what people, animals and plants authentically look like from the inside? No. Did we do anything in chemistry other than light a match? Yes, well maybe in chemistry, that was the only area where there was a bit more equipment. We had a teacher who was quite motivated. Our physics teacher was an unmotivated old white man. He talked to us more about the current content of the daily newspaper and less about how traction and optics work. If you haven’t learnt that on your own, you’re just out of luck.
Mathematics. No. Just no. I never felt so incompetent in any other subject. Well, physics.
My teacher never once gave me the feeling that I wasn’t a hopeless case. I don’t know how I managed to get a four on my report card.
A short digression: why don’t I just write “girls and boys” all the time, but instead write “uterus and penis”? We are talking about children. When it comes to promotion in the case described, we are suddenly talking about “girls and boys”. Children are categorised and promoted on the basis of their biological characteristics, regardless of how they see themselves.
My point is this: Someone has missed something. Now everyone is crying out for skilled labour. If you consistently miss out on half of the population for years (and often still do), you’re going to lose out later on. You have people who feel like shit because they were constantly taught, in the years when they were learning things for later, that they simply can’t do certain things well because they have a uterus. And if they’re not good at the things they should be good at: Languages, art and beautiful things – then they just can’t do anything and are hopeless cases, maybe sport will work for them?
Whereas people with a penis are always good at maths anyway, can do technology and of course they are also good at sport, everything that has to do with muscles. If that’s not the case, then they’re soft, girls or something’s wrong.
All in all, it’s just complete toxic shit, one way or another.
Having been born with a uterus myself, I can better relate to this group of the poorly endowed. However, I would like to point out that there are certainly enough shitty abuses of children of different genders.
What role does praise play? Yes. It plays a role. When my teacher tells me: you can’t really do anything except draw and write nicely. What do I do then? The only praise I’ve received, I want a repetitive transformation. I want to show my role model that she’s not wrong. I endeavour to become better. What am I not doing? Try something else. Will I become really good at something? Maybe. Will I find out whether I can do other things that are certainly also useful and good? No.
Surely a type of school where everyone tries out everything would have an advantage here.
If nobody teaches you how logical thinking works because some people can do it that way (because they’re boys) and some can’t (because it’s unnecessary), you’ll have obstacles later on. If you’re told that after you graduate, you’re going to find a husband and have a house to raise your children and dogs in anyway. An education is important, but maybe something that’s useful, so … housekeeper or tax consultant.
A look at my environment:
The perception of IT students that it is quite normal that there are only a few women in their lectures. Professors who offer female students a “pass” if they fulfil sexual favours. Computer scientists who can’t find a middle ground between mensplaining and information dumping.
What I would like to see:
I would like to see promotion regardless of gender. Not every child wants to do something with IT. But to be shown that it is quite normal, if it is, or that it is possible at all, would be a starting point. I hope that children can try out everything, that they get the opportunity to find out what they can do and want to learn. Regardless of their parents’ careers, regardless of their parents’ wishes.
I would like to write in much more depth and detail about role models and gender. But I have an ADHD brain and right now it’s very chaotic and emotional and wouldn’t be able to structure everything very well, BUT it really wants to write all this stuff down.
Part 1 I’m going to split this article up because otherwise it’s probably so long that nobody would read it in its entirety. I’ll start with a look back at my school days
(all names have been changed)
A lot has happened in the last few days, including a 5 centimetre laceration on the back of my head. Apparently I thought my feet were wood-magnetic and would somehow attract the chair that wasn’t under my feet, so I can just climb off a loft bed without… well.
I was involved in a few conversations, visited two different hackspaces and once again came to the conclusion “I should do something with computer science”. Since I’m a little angst-ridden GDR child, I have something like permanent existential angst. If I don’t have my planned “rescue amount” in my account in a month, I often think directly of homelessness and debt trap. And that’s not so far-fetched when I look at my first steps towards independence. I never want to experience that again.
My first idea when I think of financial security and a relatively okay job is “something to do with IT”. So I often say “I should do something with IT, then I’ll have enough money to put aside so I can do what I really want to do.”
This is probably the first sticking point.
In my opinion, I belong to a generation in which IT was not necessarily part of school education. Sometime in the first school, between 7 and 12 years old, I remember donated computers in a room where we could learn things with MS-Dos during a project week. I am learning – I think – to create batch files.
Later in a higher class, yes, there was the “Informatik AG”, Thomas was in this AG and Thomas “liked me”. We had Turbo Pascal there and nobody really picked me up from where I was. The final task was: “Build a figure that is filled in with colour, an object that has different colours and a movement. So paint a picture”.
My picture: An unfilled stick figure with an incredibly huge head, two very big googly eyes and a stick arm that alternately flashed white and red. It was standing in front of a house with a chimney from which a “smoke line” was coming out, flashing grey and white.
Thomas picture: two figures standing on a beach volleyball court (beach) and playing volleyball together, the ball kept flying back and forth over the net and the figures took turns touching the ball. In the background was water which was also moving and colourful dots represented the audience.
I think I realised at that moment that something was going wrong. I was sick a lot at school, I always missed a lot of schoolwork – I could actually think “yay – still managed to do something” but it was more like “shit I can’t keep up”.
When I left school, I briefly started as an “IT clerk” or rather “foreign language secretary”, but I had even fewer foreign languages at school than IT – so after 2 months I switched to IT training. It was all about “Visual Basic”. But at least that was something where I could try it out and see what I had actually just created. However, it was a private school course and in reality far too expensive for my mum to pay for in the long term. So that was my first time dropping out of school. This was followed by others, but I just couldn’t go any further in this direction.
My relationship to computers after dropping out: I was 16 and got a fucked-up PC from someone. I connected a 56 kbps modem on my own. Connected to the phone line, it produced an incredible bill. I was forced out of necessity to get films, music and pictures from the WWW, because where else would I get them? What I’m trying to say is that I was apparently able to help myself out of curiosity and with an inner drive. I found out how to get the things I wanted undetected and very slowly. So in retrospect, I would say the approach was right, but why didn’t it continue with a stellar career as a superhacker?
I have had my bike back since Saturday afternoon. I had it repaired, finally. I have a “hybrid bike” – you can ride it around town, but you can also go on longer tours. You can even ride over gravel! I bought it used here and it’s quite ok. I’m used to a bike that only has 3 gears, this one has infinitely more. It has a basket and I put it between an annoying e-bike and a bike that is so clean that it is obviously never used, in the bike room of our apartment block.
Now I have ridden it 4 times since yesterday. It’s the weekend, so the streets are quieter than usual. I ride in Vienna and you would think that if I can stand Berlin and ride there, then Vienna shouldn’t be a problem. However, I have the impression, especially as a pedestrian, that there is less honking when there is a “conflict”, but that you simply get run over. In Berlin, people honk and shout at you, but rarely run you over directly.
Now here there are bicycle lanes that are used in two directions at the same time. Cycle lanes for which you have to cross a junction although you actually want to go straight ahead. There are simply no paths or only a bus lane. There are paths, but they are parked up. There are good or at least exciting paths on the ring road, but there are so many people running around on them that it is very likely that you will crash into them. Well – there are also e-scooter riders. They overtake you with pimped-out scooters. Two on one scooter. Drunk on a scooter in twos or singles. They cut you off, they get in the way, whether with someone on them or alone. Sometimes these scooters seem more dangerous than cars. At least when I’m on the road they see me. When I ride on a path that is actually on the pavement, the cars see me less or not at all. On the other hand, pedestrians and scooters and vendors riding scooters don’t see me either. Thank you.
As much as I would like to get upset about all the others who drive even crappier than I do. Because I definitely have a problem with right of way rules. My bike licence was 30 years ago, too. I don’t have a driving licence. As much as I want to get upset, I recognise the following: I’m finally more independent again. I no longer have to take the crappy underground when I’m on my own. I can still be in my hackspace in the evening without someone having to take me to the bus or home. I am clearly more independent again. I have the feeling that I have regained a bit of self-determination and freedom. The possibility to move independently – I have the impression that I can cycle away from my PTSD/anxiety disorders. <3 The thought of riding around in the evening, maybe with a friend, exploring the city, being able to get to remote places, “experiencing” the area on the bike and thus being flexible about travel times and the like, that’s a very nice thought.
I hope I can make it happen and I hope others might too, who have problems with standing with lots of people in a small space in a shitty metro where they don’t want to touch, hear or see anything.
I’m thinking about cycling to work, but the fact that it’s like I’ve had a shower when I get off makes me think a bit more about whether I’ll do it. There is still the fear of those shitty drivers. Once I get over that, or at least feel safer, there should be nothing stopping me.
Lately, I have not been very busy with knitting, crocheting or other handicrafts, which I do excessively at times. Through a project for CCCamp23, I painted backgrounds for a puppet theatre. In the end, I just had to think the sentence that I hate acrylic and my surroundings knew.
The third one I painted completely in fluorescent colours. Here is a gif:
Anyway, it made me look more into wedge frames and the covering of the same. At least that’s what Jens did for me 😀 But the motivation was there. So on Wednesday I bought wedge frames and cotton fabric and off I went. The super arrogant salesman got me to buy some rabbit glue to prime the fabric with by saying things like “yes, laymen would do it like this”. When I got home, after a short search, I realised that it’s better used for wooden panels and frames. Thank you. Well. The preparation somehow involves soaking the stuff for an hour, then cooking it at a certain temperature and putting it in the fridge. Hm no. So I took my layman’s primer (Greso) and slapped that on the canvas. Let’s see if that works. I’ve been wanting to paint with oil again for a long time. I come more from the watercolour corner. Let’s put it this way. So far I haven’t found a painting medium that really convinces me and my abilities. Apparently I want to use everything the way it suits me and not the medium. So there is sometimes something like a conflict.
So I bought a new set “Norma” from Schmincke and that will surely solve all my problems I ever had with oil paints. Hm yes. I also bought some painting products that sounded entertaining to me. One of them is “Medium 5 Painting Butter” – what could go wrong with that?
I’ll try to be super patient with the painting this time. I have chosen a motif that was created in Prague. Two people lying in front of each other, but you can only see one eye and hair. A lot of hair. It’s a super close-up, so to speak. I think I will post process pictures to keep my 2 readers up to date.
I hope I won’t be saying I hate oil paint in a week.
